So, this Girls Aloud reunion

I don’t need no good advice

Girls Aloud went on ‘a year break’ back in 2009 and a lot of things happened in between and it became the longest year I’ve ever seen. The Year is not over yet but it looks like it will be in 2012, right before the world ends, if we were to believe Nicola’s coy answers and Kimberley’s latest quote, which seems kinda definite:

“I’d like to do more acting, but, to be honest, being in the band has surpassed everything I ever dreamed of doing with my life. The girls will have been together for ten years next year and that’s definitely going to be celebrated with a tour. I can’t say any more until next year – but I’m really looking forward to it.”

There is something really, really wrong about that quote, which is the non existent mention of a new album, but at this point I think I speak for most of us when I say that we would simply spontaneously combust with a picture of the five of them so I guess that even if new tour doesn’t happen with new music, at least we will get to see them, probably for the last time. It’s funny that they were supposed to go on a break and suddenly this break seems to become the real deal and the band is only coming back to say goodbye.

Anyway, on the subject of a tour, there’s a few demands I’d like to make, which are the following:

1. Unity. You know that thing that happens when you’ve been apart from someone for a long time and then when you see them you just wanna hug them all the time? Well, that’s what should happen with Girls Aloud. Nadine and Sarah should hug a lot and be aloof together, Cheryl should hold Kimberley’s hand and ruffle Nicola’s hair as if she is still 16 year-old Nicola and not Queen Nicola, the one with the best solo music. And they need to smile a lot and basically LOVE each other because that’s what girlband fans love about their girlbands more than anything.

It’s all about the glittery stars and million pound smiles

2. No solos. People who claim to want a solo section on a Girls Aloud tour where everyone can sing a solo song minus Sarah (rapping Aggro Santos’ verses in Like U Like is NOT an valid option) don’t have the slightest idea of what they are talking about. Having gone to a Spice Girls tour that included a solo section I can safely say that while it was amazing it was also classic because their solo songs (and Victoria Beckham’s phone talking ways) are also classic. Girls Aloud’s solo careers are too fresh and unbalanced to waste half an hour that could be well used to perform Amazingly Underrated Girls Aloud Songs like Swinging London Town. Also if this solo section ever happened Kimberley would probably not sing Memory of You which would infuriate me no end, so basically we’ll scrap it.

You should have done a solo tour, then

3. A Two Hour Show Is Not Enough. If they are indeed coming back with no new music to do a farewell tour, then they will not have time to perform their entire single catalogue, let alone all the great album tracks thus underperforming the potential of the tour. To sort this out, I am sure fans won’t mind if the show lasts up to three, maybe four hours. Also a super long show will stop the casual people who fill the good seats even though they do not sing or dance or even know the songs from coming, which is always a good thing.

I could watch you forever

4. New Music. I know I said above that the reunion will be good even if there’s no new music but really, they need to record again. This is a very dangerous thing because since they disbanded a few important people left Xenomania and Girls Aloud should work with them and it may not be as good as it always was, but, just imagine if they came back with some trendy producer on board sounding exactly like everyone else. Imagine a song which credits read “produced by RedOne”, doesn’t the sole idea make you wanna cry? But how about they work with Xenomania who make really good music and come up with an album that is so great we cry but from happiness. HOW ABOUT THAT.

Don’t leave me this waaaa-ay-ay

5. A Tour is called a Tour for A Reason. Watching Girls Aloud play a one off concert at Wembley Stadium is an amazing mental picture but not very practical, it’s too big and there’s a lot of shit seats which means A LOT of people would watch this hypothetical last Girls Aloud concert from a mile away. Girls Aloud should do a long tour that goes to Ireland and Scotland and Newcastle and Liverpool and Leeds and Brighton and all the places it has always gone to. Of course there will be London shows since I shall be attending a couple of them, and they can finish with a big party at Wembley Stadium but only after they play a lot of other places so they give us all a chance to watch them up close.

How many hours will I have to queue to be first row at this place

6. Hair and Personal Appearance. One of the great things about the Spice Girls reunion is that Victoria dyed her hair brown so her bob looked similar to the hair she used to have when she was in the band and Mel C wore a tracksuit and Geri was ginger and Mel B wore leopard print and Emma was blonde. There’s some serious stuff going on with hair at Girls Aloud right now, starting by Cheryl and then Sarah and Nadine. The three of them used to have great hair and they’ve cut it and dyed it and like it happened to Sanson, it made them lose their strength. So in order to recover the much needed balance in the band I think it should be on the contract that Cheryl puts her extensions back and Sarah and Nadine go blonde. It is totally superficial and also very much needed.

I am my hair

So this is basically what should happen to make me happy.

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